


If your kind is on this planet, we haven't heard of ya!

by shadowswithineverything



Category: Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart (Cartoon), Sword Art Online (Anime & Manga), ノラガミ | Noragami (Anime & Manga)
Genre: And Adorabat has ghosty siblings now, F/F, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Major Noragami Spoilers, Mao Mao and Badgerclops have ghosts to dad now, Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart Spoilers, Multi, Ol' Blue's a rich man, Other, Pure Heart Valley will get used to the hairless ape ghosts, Sword Art Online Spoilers, probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:00:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25654810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowswithineverything/pseuds/shadowswithineverything
Summary: Talking animals in a strange new world? Where they worship a weird tree and have a corrupted artifact? What could possibly go wrong?! Well, the artifact in question has decided that a few hauntings -in more ways than one- are in order, as it will simply NOT STOP until the people who hurt it are DEAD.... The main problem is that the ghosts it's chosen for this aren't exactly malevolent, despite a few similarities to that accursed black cat.
Relationships: Adorabat & Badgerclops (Mao Mao), Adorabat & Mao Mao Mao, Badgerclops & Mao Mao Mao, Badgerclops/Mao Mao Mao, Eugeo & Adorabat, Eugeo & Badgerclops, Eugeo & Mao Mao Mao, Mao Mao Mao/Orangusnake, Ol' Blue (Mao Mao) & Everyone, Tanya Keys/Mao Mao Mao, Yukine | Haru & Adorabat, Yukine | Haru & Badgerclops, Yukine | Haru & Eugeo, Yukine | Haru & Mao Mao Mao
Kudos: 2





	If your kind is on this planet, we haven't heard of ya!

**Author's Note:**

> OK, I gotta be honest. This fic is cracky... REALLY cracky. Basically Yukine and Eugeo are taken to Pure Heart Valley by the Ruby Pure Heart because the Heart be THAT salty and because I'm the author of this fic and I say so HBHJVGHYV!! R*** tw is because Eugeo (I don't care what ANYONE says, what Quinella did was PEDOPHILIC R***!!) Enjoy!!

**Mao Mao POV:**

Mao Mao yawned, stretching his arms and legs, then got up and out of his bunk on the Sheriff Department’s triple-decker bed. Rubbing his back as he walked towards a window, Mao Mao saw that it was another beautiful day here in Pure Heart Valley… and that the Monster and Villain Alarms didn’t wake him or his co-Sheriff and Deputy up. The grass was as green as ever, and the Pure Heart Kingdom seemed as safe as it ever was, even though it’d been in crisis after crisis as usual during his sick episode -this place really needed a Fire Department. Mao Mao kinda wished something interesting would happen today, preferably that he’d have something big and strong to fight so he could have some fun, maybe push past his limits, and _finally_ become a Legend!

It seemed like the Ruby Pure Heart didn’t like granting his wishes, because instead Mao Mao, Badgerclops, and Adorabat -well, Mao Mao and Badgerclops, because Adorabat was busy drawing and he didn’t wanna make her help with this- were trying to get that irritating and disgusting rhinoceros Pinky out of a sewer. The fact that he was in there was unsurprising, and somehow so was the reason: “I’m looking for hair!” Pinky said.

“Badgerclops, have you found his nasty little body yet?!” Mao Mao angrily said to Badgerclops, who was busy doing exactly that. “Working on it dude.” Badgerclops said while extending his arm. Then he said he thought he got him, only to get yet another pipe; considering it was a sewer drain and Pinky was probably just giving Badgerclops more pipes to extract, Mao Mao should’ve expected that.

He was still ticked about this: “Why do you even need hair?” Mao Mao said irritably. “It’s _for_ the hair fairy!” Pinky said, equally irritated when he had no right to be! “Ain’t you got no whimsy in yer heart?!” Mao Mao saw that Pinky was indeed giving Badgerclops pipes to pluck out of the sewer drain in his stead. He didn’t know what he subsequently scoffed at then; Pinky’s stubborn refusal to come out of there, or the reason he wanted to stay in there.

“Hah! Whimsy, superstitions, myth? They’re all lies!” Mao Mao stated. “The truth, that’s what really matters.” 

“Aw!” Adorabat piped up -hah!- from her drawing. “But they’re fun, Mao Mao! I like fun.” She said as she flew. “I wish something fun would happen today!” Sometimes Mao Mao forgot that a kid’s definition of fun was a little different from his own -wait, Adorabat was slowly gasping in awe. And not at him or Badgerclops. What was happening? Ah well, he could ignore this… but then Adorabat excitedly shouted: “THE TORBACLAUN!! I SAW ONE!” 

That got Mao Mao jumping, sword at the ready: “Torbaclaun?! What is it, what _is_ it?! Some kind of monster?!” “Torbaclaun?!” _Pinky_ said, punctuated by the disgusting little rhino breaking through the sewer drain on his own rushing to the ‘Torbaclaun’; it was a tree. It was just a _tree!_ He even _said_ as much, multiple times, even when the other Sweetypies came out of frickin’ _nowhere_ to spin more old Sweetypies’ tales about this nonexistent Torbaclaun! The bellybutton flute playing thing was especially bad, but then again it _was_ one of the children who said that one, so Mao Mao shouldn’t have expected much else.

“Torbaclauns aren’t real, and I’m going to prove it.” Mao Mao rightfully said. He then added to the righteousness from atop a wooden horse: “I alone must end chaos! By revealing the lie that is the Torbaclaun thereby upholding order! And justice-” At that moment Badgerclops interrupted Mao Mao by plucking him away from his vantage point, telling him things he couldn’t really hear at that moment… but at least the petting was nice.

* * *

**Yukine/Haru POV:**

Haru -if that was even his name anymore, due to just being a tiny ghosty puffball with a fizzled memory of his life _and_ afterlife- didn’t know what was happening here. He also didn’t know how he was apparently in a world with talking animals -if this wasn’t all some kind of dream. All Haru really knew was that he was dead and not only had nowhere to go, but also nowhere to return. That didn’t need to be even more true, but now it kinda was. 

These animals, apparently called Sweetypies, seemed to be asking for something called a Torbaclaun? ‘This might be their way of having fun.’ The spirit thought. Said spirit also thought that the black cat in red who just climbed up the ‘Torbaclaun’ tree and then back down should maybe calm down a little, but he was dead, what did he know?! Besides, Haru was a little jealous because, well, he was f****** _dead!!_ He briefly wondered if he could possess this tree and do… whatever it was these weird animals wanted. Or just have some fun. May as well try it.

‘Note to self’ Haru thought, feeling a little… _wrong…_ ‘learn how the stuff you’re possessing works. Before possession.’ In any event, he could -well, hear?- the cat opening something. Apparently Haru had taken a while… to possess a _tree._ Well, that was a whole new level of pathetic.

Time to see what he could do.

So first, Haru decided to uproot the tree, saving that little pink guy the trouble. The tree conveniently had more roots than met the eye, so Haru made some clogs -he overheard a few animals saying this ‘Torbaclaun’ had them. Then, Haru made some weird hat he remembered seeing once; ‘I think it was called a flat cap?’ Next were the arms; Haru decided the branches would do just fine. As for eyes, well, since he couldn't poke holes in the tree any other way, he decided he may as well just draw circles somewhere with his new arms. Haru took the circles' white glow as a good sign. 'Hey, this is actually kinda fun.' He thought. As for the mouth… Haru decided he didn’t really need one. He also decided the lights on him/the tree were a little much.

If it was any fun for the Sweetypies, they didn’t show it. They looked more amazed than anything else. The big cat and blue bat’s jaws just kinda dropped to the floor, with the cat also looking an inch from either going rabid or fainting; the badger and a few of the other animals actually _did_ faint; and the ones who _didn’t_ faint were stiff as boards. Haru didn’t like this.

It was a good thing, then, that the frog-like Sweetypie walked up to him and asked him this weird question: “Can you play a belly button flute for me?” Haru thought the request was a little weird, and a few glances thrown his way suggested similar thoughts, but he wanted to have a little fun so why not? He shrugged and just… made a belly button flute with the treebark and started playing -pretty badly, he thought, because he’d never played the flute before. And because some Sweetypies were covering their ears. But the little froggy was actually clapping -er, trying to clap. And the blue bat actually did clap. It was kinda cute, so Haru kept on playing, because at least _some people_ were happy right now.

For some reason, the giant cat actually calmed down. He was… meditating? The one-eyed giant badger seemed to be awake now and calling him, but wasn’t getting a response- “Well now, I didn’t expect this!”

Haru was not easily frightened due to being dead and he doesn’t know how old…. But the sight of a giant black - _blue?_ \- cat squatting right next to him, then seeing him and cupping his ghosty puffball self without him even _noticing_ … that got him to **_scream_ **.

* * *

**Badgerclops POV:**

Badgerclops was not easily frightened. He could help fight giant dragons and rock monsters, after all. And he could deal with Pinky’s… existence. But an actual fairy tale coming to life as some kind of white-eyed tree was a bit much, so he fainted? If Mao Mao laughed at him, he was _so_ dead!

Then Badgerclops woke up, and saw Mao Mao was meditating on that horse from before -showoff. Badgerclops called out to him -”Mao Mao?! Hey, Mao Mao! Look!”- so he could open his eyes and see that the sentient tree badly playing a belly button flute wasn’t so bad… despite the fact that he needed a little brain bleach later. “Torbaclaun’s real, man! He’s a little freaky, but he’s real!”

Mao Mao wasn’t moving. Or speaking. Or even peeking with half of his usual angry or wide-eyed stare. That wasn’t exactly normal for him. “Mao Mao?” Badgerclops said. Badgerclops then grabbed Mao Mao with his stretchy robot arm and brought him over to him like earlier today to see what was up, starting by shouting in his ear: “Torbaclaun is real!!!!” Chubbum and a few other Sweetypies replied back: “You bet he is!” Badgerclops paid them no mind, mostly because they were more focused on the freaky tree anyhow.

Then Badgerclops opened Mao Mao’s eyes. “Eugh!” Badgerclops said; Mao Mao’s eyes were… glossy. He was also strangely limp. Mao Mao had told Badgerclops about something like this before. What was it called? Astral something-projection?! But… why? What did he have to gain-

Then Badgerclops heard tree bark receding, and heard what was apparently ‘Torbaclaun’ screaming immediately after. With presumably no mouth. He turned around and screamed in turn: “AGGHHH!!” He nearly fainted again, but then he remembered Adorabat was still here. He also remembered that Mao Mao’s _ghost_ had to still be here… “Mao Mao, you _idiot!!_ ” 

And sure enough, the tree was flailing and spasming, and its eyes turned from white to a distressing shade of purple, which sent the Sweetypies running and screaming. “Daddy! Torbaclaun’s evil!” Chubbum said. If anything, that only made ‘Torbaclaun’ angrier! “Adorabat, we gotta stop that thing! There’s a really, _really_ angry ghost in there!” Badgerclops said. He tried to blast the thing as per usual, but the now purple-eyed tree was also a little blasty with said eyes, and the resulting explosion knocked Badgerclops back a bit.

Adorabat, with some effort, _lifted the tree up -_ Badgerclops and Mao Mao needed to treat her to something special after this- and _hugged it._ “Torbaclaun, what’s wrong?!” She said. “Please stop!” And Badgerclops wanted to tell Adorabat that ‘Torbaclaun’ was really _just_ an angry ghost possessed by the Ruby Pure Heart -they should really do something about that- but the tree actually seemed to listen. It stopped flailing, as if shocked, and although the eyes didn’t change back to normal it actually seemed to be contemplating Adorabat’s words.

Then the tree started to grip its ‘head’ and _screech_ , a sign that the Ruby Pure Heart wasn’t giving up. “Get out of my head!” ‘Torbaclaun’ said, in the voice of… a _child._ Adorabat turned to Badgerclops. “Badgerclops, we have to help him!” She said. “I agree, but what can we do other than destroy the tree?!” Badgerclops said in response. “Then we destroy the tree!!!” Adorabat screeched at him. Whoo, Badgerclops did _not_ feel like getting yelled at by children anymore today. “Where’s Mao Mao, anyway?!” Adorabat asked. “Oh, he decided to astral project -ask him for more on that later- and his ghost is in that tree right now, too.” Badgerclops cooly responded. That… _probably_ didn’t help.

“Why didn’t you say that sooner?!” Adorabat screeched once again. And with that, she _threw the tree at him!_ “It didn’t come to me at the time!” Badgerclops said, **_finally_ **just blasting the stupid thing to pieces!

* * *

**Adorabat POV:**

Adorabat had been through messed-up stuff, seen messed-up stuff, and _done_ messed-up stuff. Of course that last one was mostly to monsters, who kinda deserved it because all the ones she’d met were evil freaks who’d been attacking her and her home.

Back to the point, what she was seeing right now was a cut above the rest, at least for now. Mao Mao was tied up by purplish strings, with his mouth having some kind of muzzle and a blue version of his super cool sword Geraldine having been blown by the wayside. Adorabat would’ve gone to get Geraldine for Mao Mao so he could cut his strings if it hadn’t been for the person strung up next to him; they had golden hair, red and orange eyes, pale -almost pasty- skin, and a white robe and white shoes. And most of all, compared to her or anyone else here they were hairless, like those hairless ape dummies Adorabat saw Gary with once! He also looked like he might be trying to call for help. Was _this_ the Torabclaun -Adorabathadsomany **_questions_ **-

“Adorabat, a little help here?!” Badgerclops said, rushing to cut the freaky strings on Mao Mao, with the hairless ape stopping him every time via purple-eyed mouth beam.

Adorabat, being so small, was able to A. Toss Geraldine to Mao Mao, and B. Cut the strings on the weird ‘Torbaclaun’, all without being noticed. Mao Mao then cut his muzzle in two, and instead of rushing back into his body he caught the weird one in his arms!

“So, uh, we’re about to fade into the astral plane soon. Badgerclops, see if you can do anything about the Ruby Pure Heart, and um, please carry my body home. I’ll wake up when he does.”

“We have, like, a million questions right now- and can’t ask ‘cause you’re fading, OK BYE!” Badgerclops said rapidly. “Bye for now!” Adorabat said cheerily. “Well this was a weird day.” Adorabat said further. “That’s an understatement, Adorabat.” Badgerclops said, moving to pick up Mao Mao’s body.

* * *

**Eugeo POV:**

The very next day, another ghost showed up. He had blonde hair and green eyes. He wore an all-blue uniform with some kind of gray and black belt around his waist, black shoes, and white lines on some places like the uniform’s wrist and along the arms. This was in addition to a white snow-like sheath with some blue on the top half.

The being that was called Eugeo looked at his surroundings; at the mountainous forest, the giant heart-looking thing in the distance, and the house right behind him. The first thing he said was: “Where the Hell am I?”

**Author's Note:**

> Mao Mao: Badgerclops, call my therapist. Tell him he's a rich man.


End file.
